Still Here, Still Creating

This time at home with my children this year has been really great, but it has left me with not a whole lot of time and energy for writing here or tackling big projects. Add on some freelance costume and sewing gigs finally, and trying to update Originals by Katharine Tracy monthly, it means there are sometimes weeks of no writing or art. I still always carve out time for music even if it’s just 10 minutes on piano every day, but there were a couple months at the start of the year that I couldn’t even play the uke or flute because it seemed like too much effort. The cycle of feeling energized and then almost burning out has been a theme this entire pandemic, and if I’m honest, my entire life. There hasn’t ever been anything like steadiness, which definitely keeps life more interesting.

I have songs and poems and stories and art inside that I hope I will have the chance to manifest into reality. I always chip away where I can. In the meantime, I’m continuing with focusing on my biggest creative endeavor (my children) and consider it such a profound privilege to watch them grow and help shape them into amazing human beings. I am pursuing my costume and sewing work, which is satisfying creatively in different ways. And I have learned to let myself off the hook a little bit. I cannot be a “creative machine”. I don’t need to feel guilt when I need to rest. I’m finally learning to ride my own waves, and that’s where I need to be.

Where are you all emotionally at this point? Hopeful? Despairing? Taking things in stride? Wherever you are, I wish you well.

New Artwork

Over the past month, I finished up Autumn and Winter personified, which was my series of 4 paintings to play with oil paints for the first time. And I also finally finished my little rodent acrylic painting. It felt good to be painting again!

I need to update the gallery page here and my Fine Art America site. Hopefully that will come in the next couple of weeks.

Don’t Speak Ill of the Dead, a poem

It feels appropriate to be sharing this poem again.

I really hate the “don’t speak ill” mindset. Though since many can’t be honest with themselves about their own lives, how can I blame them for wanting to cover the filth in others? I suppose it’s about a difference in scale though.

Kat Micari

Don’t speak ill of the dead
Or of the lies they said
Be ready to forgive it all
Don’t challenge their glory
The official story
Is all that you need to recall

Don’t speak ill of the dead
Forget all the bloodshed
And the dirty deeds they have done
Feel deep shame and remorse
For questioning their course
And the wars that they have begun

Don’t speak ill of the dead
Give thanks to them instead
And wipe the slate clean of the past
Don’t you dare to bother
On sins of the father
Or the legacy that will last

Don’t speak ill of the dead
Or think what lies ahead
Just keep on shedding those sad tears
Keep it all buried deep
Keep on acting like sheep
And don’t worry about your fears

Copyright 2018, Kat Micari

Can you guess whose death this was written in response to?

Also…

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Completed Ballerina Bunny Illustrations

I finished my ballerina bunnies! I am so enamored with their cuteness. I left them fairly undetailed because they are going to be shrunk to about two inches each for the fabric design I have them planned for, but I think they are kind of charming in their sketchiness, and I hope that you agree with me!

The black and white one is inspired (but not an exact copy) by the rabbit we adopted this summer. She is named Spotticus, or Spotty for short, and she is quite a love.

You can see some of my other fabric designs at Spoonflower. I’m trying to do one or two new releases per month, which will hopefully mean more art coming this way.

Ballerina Bunnies

Working on some fun new art this week, the first time in a while. I’m hoping to use these as a new fabric design over at my Originals By Katharine Tracy and Spoonflower shop next month, but even if they turn out unusable, it’s been fun designing and drawing them out. Tonight I will start to color them.

I’ve honestly had a very difficult time tapping into my creativity lately. Having an idea that is super cute and literal fluff has been a relief. I don’t know what the future brings, but I can’t shoulder the collective burden as much as I have been this past year.

The Mess in the U.S.

I like the title. It has a nice ring to it.

I do not like how 2021 is starting with violence from the Trump cult. I have often wondered what would bring people to the brink of revolution in this country, and I am so embarrassed that it is requiring people to wear masks in public during an epidemic and the worship of a narcissist that has done so.

Believe me, I want freedom, but true freedom means being able to accept the responsibility of self-governance. All rights come with responsibilities. All actions and spoken words have consequences (and if you want to get metaphysical, a whole lot thoughts have consequences as well). There are not enough people who understand this at a deep enough level yet. I don’t know if we will ever get to that level before we self-annihilate. So we have to make the best with what we have, somehow, and continue to work on ourselves and help the people around us work on themselves. Help lift people up. But also, don’t allow other people to tear people down. There is such a disconnect between what people do and what people claim they want. It’s dangerous and disheartening.

The biggest way to fix the world right now. Hold yourself accountable. Hold everyone in your life accountable. And figure out a way to hold those in power accountable. Every day, in every interaction with another human being. Be willing to tell people when they do something completely unacceptable. It’s really hard to do, but if enough start doing it, then the majority of our problems as a society will be almost instantaneously solved.

I am linking again to my song “You” over on Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AA1d2lMwv6s

And I’m posting my poem Lady Liberty and Uncle Sam again, that I wrote back in 2017.

Lady Libery and Uncle Sam

Lady Liberty weeps
In the corner on the floor,
Torch extinguished.
Uncle Sam says
“Smile! Don’t you know
You are so much
Prettier
When you smile?
I can’t abide
Your ugliness.”
“Oh Sammy,” Liberty wails,
“Your games have gone
Too far,
And I feel such pain
That smiling is an
Impossibility.”
“You’re too temperamental,”
Uncle Sam replies.
“You let your
Emotions
Get the best of you.
Swallow it down, like me,
Until you are
Numb inside.”
Standing, Liberty shouts.
“No, I won’t allow myself
To become internally
Dead.
Nor will I hide
From the truth.
You have done terrible things,
And my name no longer means
What it did.
Payment is coming due, Sammy,
And I fear it has all been for nought.”
Uncle Sam snaps
And knocks Lady Liberty
To the ground.
“You’re a bitch and a whore.
How dare you question
My authority?
I know better than you
The way to control
These masses.
Fear and pain
Are tools of the trade.
Get used to it.”
He looks at her and laughs.
“You may be stupid,
But I’ll keep you around,
As long as you’re leashed.
I like that you
Do my feeling
For me.”
Lady Liberty rises once again
And lights her torch anew.
Calmly, gently, she sets
Uncle Sam ablaze.
“There are times,”
She muses to herself,
“That you just need to
Start over.”

Copyright 2017, Kat Micari

Goodbye 2020, Hello New Year

Every year, I try to reflect back on the past year and make some long range goals for the coming year. I know time is an illusion (and per Douglas Adams, lunchtime is doubly so) and a construct of our own making to a certain extent, but the dark of winter is an opportune time to ponder life and make plans.

Honestly, I have been battling a lot of impostor syndrome in the recent weeks. I have learned in life to separate myself from the roles I choose to take. It is what allows me to say yes to more opportunities and keep myself open to change. But lately, I have been so focused on my kids and feeling so cut off from both my creative life and from making deep connections with other people that I find myself feeling a bit of a fraud. I know I’m not, that I’m doing what I need to do at the moment, but December saw me at some low points.

And that, for so many of us, has been 2020. A rollercoaster of emotions. I know I have appreciated the slower pace, the time with my family, getting things done around the house that we never have had time for in our five years here. But also loneliness for adult company, feeling drained, needing a break from the kids with no opportunities to take one, mourning the loss of skipped trips and projects due to the pandemic. Concern for the growing divide in the United States. Seeing the eyes of so many opened to the racial inequities here and then seeing many close their eyes again. Seeing the hatred and selfishness of so many out in the open (but truly believing it’s better that way, for how can we fix a problem if it’s hidden?). I don’t know. I’m tired, but still doing what I can.

I started the year with two audacious goals for me. The first was a financial goal of being able to help one family at Thanksgiving, which we were able to do, and we also still adopted a family at Christmas. I was able to donate small amounts of money to various charitable organizations throughout the year as well, and we tried to support small businesses and always tipped big when we ordered takeout or delivery. I hope to grow this into the coming year, because there are so many in need out there, but with how uncertain the future is, I hope to at least maintain the giving at Thanksgiving and Christmas, helping two families locally.

My second audacious goal was to stop chasing the “elusive balance” between work and family and just allow the ebb and flow of life to take me along, and I think I was forced into this mindset fairly quickly in 2020. It was not an easy lesson, but I hope it is a lifelong one. I feel like the work towards having more fun in life was hit or miss, and I will continue to work towards that this year. If anything, I feel even more tired this year than last year, even though I technically worked less and was more financially secure.

So self-care and letting myself play are important this year. Filling myself with the energy to create, to help others, to have more pleasure out of the day-to-day moments consistently, to stress way less… these are what I have to work on this year.

Numbers are arbitrary, and we still have so much work to do as a species. I’m prepared to shoulder my load, but I will be taking care of myself along the way.

Happy New Year, and may 2021 provide us with a few less punches than 2020.

New Public Domain Song on the Uke

Je t’aime – a poem

Poem inspired from Shakespeare’s Henry V

Acrylic Painting in Progress

It’s been a long time since I was able to pick up a paint brush, but I managed to start this cute rodent painting while my 4yo was painting. Still needs the finishing details put on, but it was fun to do! I basically let her pick what colors she wants and then use up the paint so as not to waste it. I’m frugal like that. So the background was from a few weeks ago, and the main body is from yesterday.

It felt good to paint again. I really burned myself out making my shop site and samples for the site, combined with homeschooling/remote schooling and taking care of the house. My energy levels this year have been all over the place, as I get myself excited about something then quickly scrape the bottom of my creative and energy barrels. I’m trying to take each moment as it comes though, and I’ve been giving myself permission to rest when I need to.

As a bonus, here are a couple of the paintings the 4yo did.