My life has gotten crazy-busy lately with my day job and trying to finish up my holiday gifts that I’m making for people, and we’re going through a lot of transitions right now with my son which means emotional changes and even less sleep than usual. Then the school shooting happened Friday in CT and I just had to shut off part of my brain.
As a Virgo, I want to put everything in neat little boxes in my head, and this won’t be contained in a mental box. At least not yet. So I’ve built a little pen around it, I go a few days without looking at the news and then catch up a little and cry, and then I put those feelings back in its enclosure. My heart breaks for those children, both those killed and the survivors. I mourn the loss of so much potential in those little lives cut short, and I feel the sickness of our society growing by the day. It touches me even more deeply as a parent now, because my son is a piece of me. I told my mother that this raises my desire to homeschool, and even if some madmen goes on a rampage in a mall or something, at least then I have a chance of being killed with my son. Because I don’t want to know if I’m strong enough to live through a tragedy like that, or live through it with any shred of sanity remaining.
That being said, I am also disgusted by the hurt some people are causing as they discuss this issue. You can’t pinpoint one thing that led to this event and fix it, and we shouldn’t be reactive in coming up with solutions. We should be able to have honest dialogs with each other and for once actually try to look at the big picture, but the problem is the big picture sometimes feels too overwhelming to fix, so we narrow in on single issues.
As for what we can do individually, I said this on my crunchy mom facebook group: “I think that something is just so broken in our society – the rise of those with mental health issues (all along the spectrum) coupled with the rise of immuno-diseases (again, all along the spectrum) has GOT to be tied with our diet, our lifestyle, our focus for life, and the chemicals we are exposed to in the products we can’t live without. Not to mention the generations raised on formula instead of breastmilk. You can’t pinpoint or fix just one thing, which makes it seem hopeless, but I think we can live each day the best we can, as lovingly as we can, and influence those immediately around us, and that CAN create ripples that change things for the better.” We can also urge our corrupt government to pass legislation that actually is for the benefit of society, whatever that may mean.
I am retreating again, probably at least until Christmas Eve. I need to process this more and also maintain some holiday cheer by burying it a little more. I have opinions forming, but they are still nebulous. I may have some rather dark artwork to come out in January too, as a purging of these emotions I’m still burying.