I successfully opened my first show since the fiasco of working myself sick and getting fired late 2016. It felt good to design again, and to work with new people. But leading up to the week before opening, I was having a lot of trouble internally. My brain was constantly switching into “fight or flight” mode, and I was experiencing intense moments of anxiety that nearly crippled me. In fact, there was a day or two in the beginning when there was a delay in our being able to sign the contract that I almost decided to back out of doing the show all together.
It took until the week before the show opened for me to realize that I was experiencing all of these feelings because I was flashing back to my bad experience at my last job. At first I was angry and annoyed that it still was having such an affect on me, but realizing that it was from that past experience made all the difference in the world because I was able to finally work through a lot of crap that I had been repressing for over a year. It was a huge weight off of my shoulders, I was able to fully enjoy the final stage of the process, and the patch of psoriasis I had on my back since getting fired has since completely cleared up (though my hands are still horrible… we shall see if they improve as the cold weather wanes). And I feel ready to go down either direction in the fork that life has for me coming up because I know my own strength and fortitude.
Our bodies and minds are truly remarkable. They take a trauma and will hold it until we are strong enough to cope with it. The problem is that many of us never actually feel strong enough to cope with it. We get that first “danger danger” signal from our brain and rather than access whether we actually are in danger or not, we bury those feelings deeper and find outside means of hiding those feelings. And then we start experiencing the mental anguish in physical form and we do what we have to in order to ignore that too. But if we trust in the process, and we are willing to engage our dark sides, we have truly remarkable self-healing powers. It has to be done in stages and it is intensely difficult work, but it is so worth it.
Anyway, it’s been a couple of weeks since that has happened, and I’ve been playing catch up on life and my regular work (it’s our busy time), ironically my entire fee for the design went toward a car repair instead of getting us ahead like I wanted to (but thank goodness that fee was on hand for that) and the last of my daughter’s 1 year molars are finally almost through, but I want to be doing more here and with my creative work so I’m working towards that. All part of the healing process, right?