Freedom’s Just Another Word…

I came across this quote recently from the author David Foster Wallace that I thought was interesting, because it’s the exact opposite of what most people think of when they imagine freedom.

The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day.

The truth is I have found more internal freedom than I ever thought possible through having my kids. I’ve grown so much in making space that includes family and deep soul connections in my life. I’ve lost fear. Which is the biggest freedom there is. So even though I can’t go out partying if I get the urge, even though I can’t blow my paycheck on concert tickets and new clothes, even though I frequently put another person’s needs before my own needs and almost always put someone else’s needs before my wants, I am free or on my way to being free in the ways that truly matter.  Sometimes, though, I very badly need the reminder, and so this quote hit home.

What are your thoughts on freedom?

Also, the title of the blog post comes from the Janis Joplin song “Me and Bobby McGee” which I’ve always loved singing along to.

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Two Words, a poem

twoheartsweb

When Two Hearts Become One – Copyright 2015, Kat Micari


Two Words

Oh, speak two words,
And speak three more.
Then let me hear
Your knock on my door.
Hold me close,
Fold me in tight.
Let me bask in
The warmth of your light.
Love, let me breathe you in
So deep and so long.
Let me sing to you
An old love song.
Let me give to you
All that I can be.
Prove to me
Every possibility.
But if my dreaming
Isn’t meant to be
Then speak another two words
And set me free.
Release your hold on me
And let me fly.
Yes, speak two words –
“Farewell” and “goodbye”.

Copyright 2016, Kat Micari

The Wanting

There are times I want to run
So fast, so far.
I don’t know which way I’m going
But I want to feel the wind
Full in my face
And dance on sandy beaches.
I want to feel
The force of nature
And the exhilaration of nothing
But living in that moment.
I want to crash into my love
With the force of a
Thousand wild horses
And ride the reverberations outward.
I want to feel the universe breathe
And breathe deep with it,
Heart pulsing with
The heartbeat of the earth.
I want the flow
To never stop,
Not for a moment,
To be ever expanding
Beyond myself.
There are times I want to run
With you.

Copyright 2016, Kat Micari

Constancy – a poem

I think of you

Constantly.

A puzzle in my mind.

Words remain unspoken,

A moment of silence

That extends for eternity,

Pregnant with possibilities

That are forever shrouded.

A lump in my throat

Chokes and tightens

At the trapped discourse,

And my heart aches.

I long to fall into your center

And spiral out of control,

But distance and time

Control our dance

Into infinity.

Still, I would give

Anything

And everything

If I only could…

Copyright 2015, Kat Micari

Jealousy – a poem

I feel the beast of jealousy

Rise up whenever

I am reminded

That there are others who

Have known you longer

Than I.

It is maddeningly strange,

This sudden flaring

Of emotion

That makes me want

To weep.

Because, truth be told,

I would swap minds with you

If I could,

For only a day

And learn the

Length and breadth of you

In one fell swoop,

Experience the movie

Of your history

And all its pains and triumphs

So that I could better

Share with you

Your future.

Copyright 2016, Kat Micari

I Found Myself – a poem

I found myself
On the shores
Of the lakes
And the seas.
There I was,
Inside seashells,
Buried in the soft sand
Or rough rocks.
The surf lapping
Or pounding.
The sweet spray
Coating my entire being.

I found myself
In the paths
Through the woods.
Dappled green
Or crimson and golden.
There I was,
Rolling in the leaves,
The smell of the
Damp, rich earth
Rising to meet me.
And all of me
Felt the urge to grow.

I found myself
Reflected in
Your eyes,
Revealing parts
Of me I never knew.
There I was,
Full of light
And shadow.
Full of love
Beyond this life.
Emanating out
For all to feel.

I found myself
When I lost myself,
A puzzle both sweet
And painful.

Copyright 2016, Kat Micari

On Love

As this weekend is Valentine’s Day, I’ve decided to do a post about love and what it means. Love is always an appropriate topic to discuss, I think, but it’s rather ironic because my husband and I don’t celebrate the day beyond a cheeky “Happy Hallmark Day!” and doing some fun crafty stuff with our son.

twoheartsweb

When Two Hearts Become One” – Copyright 2015, Kat Micari

That being said, I believe love to be the single greatest transformative emotion we humans have the capacity to experience. It is the key to expanding ourselves beyond our current states, to be constantly evolving. So it isn’t something that should be celebrated when the calendar tells us to but reflected on and thought about daily.

I’m not talking solely about romantic love here. Romantic love is great. Sex is great. Having both together is really great. But we’re caught in yet another trap that is sold to us, that we have to constantly be on the lookout for “the one”, that there are these strict lists of what is necessary to have a glorious “true love” experience. That somehow we must find the one person in the world that completes us as individuals and thus cleave to that person and that’s that. And so, in our desperate search to feel complete, we throw ourselves into sex and romance instead of forming deep bonds with people, but it’s the deep bonds that allow you to most open your heart, and this is where the greatest personal power comes from. Even if you do meet the one that could wholly complete you, your “twin flame” (a phrase that gets misused a lot), if you are not already whole and healed and loving yourself, the relationship winds up becoming a destructive one.

I think we should all love as many people as is in us to love. I don’t mean in a free love kind of way, unless that’s your preference (not mine, I prefer one sexual partner at a time and like to know everyone I’m bringing into bed with me), but true and pure love, whether that be romantic or platonic or familial. Being able to open your heart and to willingly hold a piece of other people’s hearts in your hand safely… that is how you combat the fear in the world, both within and without. And that is powerful.

Sometimes – a poem

Reblogging because it’s appropriate yet again this week.

Kat Micari

Sometimes I want
To stretch
My love over the world,
Snug and taut.
A blanket of warmth
To nurture and protect.

Sometimes I want
To stride.
A fiery post-apocalyptic
Goddess,
Sword in hand,
Burning hearts and minds.

Sometimes I want
To pour
Tears of grief
And screams of rage.
Pure cleansing with
Primordial emotion.

Sometimes I want
To rest,
My naked soul
Finally revealed,
Safely moored
And free from danger.

Sometimes I want
To act
All of these at once,
Yet hide myself
Behind a smile
And wonder why.

Copyright 2014, Kat Micari

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The Passing of Time

Yesterday was my birthday, and it was lovely. Not an especially out-of-the-ordinary day, but one of quiet joy, love, and well wishes both in person and online. Many of the Facebook well-wishers said “Hope you have a great day!”, and I replied that it was great, because it was. I had some surprises and some sweet moments, and it was beautiful.

Last year, I found out the day before my birthday the details of my new part-time position at work, and I had this tingling sense that the next day would be a “day of destiny” for me, and I felt disappointed when that didn’t happen. It was a letdown, and I wound up missing so many of the small, perfect moments of the day because I was waiting for the big moment to come. So, lesson learned, and I’m grateful now for both the big and small moments of bliss, and life is a lot more enjoyable. Maybe that was my destiny then last year, to learn a hard life lesson?

It seems important though, given the growing violence and insecurity in the world. Tumultuous times are upon us, and nothing is certain except for our sense of “I am” and our ability to forge relationships with others that are honest and true. We have to move from the heart and be secure in our space and appreciate the beauty amidst the madness or we’ll succumb to the madness ourselves.

So today is the day after my birthday, and it is another “great day” of creative and organizational work, of cuddling my son and having deep conversations with those I care for. Anything that I currently feel lacking in my life will grow to fruition in their own time, and I’ll keep working towards them without feeling rushed. And tomorrow will be another day of the same, or something will come up different, but it will be “great” nonetheless. Because all the small moments of joy add up, and that is great.

On Regret

Regret is one of those emotions I try to avoid in life. Any decision I make, I stick behind it. I own my mistakes as being necessary to my development. The regrets that I do have tend to stem from inaction on my part due to fear or social anxieties, and I’ve moved beyond those and even have had the opportunity to “do over” some of those missed chances, as it were.

I realized last week though that I do regret not telling people what they’ve meant to me. After all, how can you? There are people who wouldn’t understand my telling them years after the fact that they touched me on a soul level and changed me irrevocably, that even though we walk entirely separate paths now and months or years go by between communicating, that I will always carry that connection in my heart. That level, that depth makes a lot of people uncomfortable. But I still regret that they may not realize how much they’ve meant to me.

In certain cases, I have acted. It took me eight years, but I finally sent my childhood best friend a heart-felt email two years ago, she responded in kind and we caught up over coffee. We didn’t become best friends again or anything, but just knowing that shared caring and memories are there, and that the pain of drifting apart in high school is foggy… that is something. There are a handful of teachers that I was able to tell. But some I haven’t. My flute professor in undergrad passed away while I was in California and I didn’t find out until a year and a half later.

So I think that’s the point, with the regret. Life is so fragile, and the world seems to be growing moreso daily. So what is the point in worrying about being too intense? Why bother playing games or being less than sincere?

Maybe someday I’ll get a chance to tell those handful of people in plain terms what impact they’ve had on me, and maybe not. But I won’t feel that regret going forward. Life’s too short.