Stepping Into the Stream, Trying Not to Drown

I’m in the process of joining the costume union, which hopefully will mean more and higher paying work for me going forward. I’ve been fairly successful since taking my first film work post-shutdown last July, and had been looking forward to getting a little ahead financially finally with both kids in school freeing up more time for work. But we get a new roof next week on the house, which means a big loan (thankfully with good interest rate) on top of student loan payments starting back up later this year on top of inflation, so getting ahead seems less of a possibility for a little while. I’m feeling the pain of others both locally and abroad and working to adjust myself to feel and honor that without being consumed by it. I’m also still processing the grief of losing my father and managing how much physical work I am capable of doing with the fibro aches that come with that work sometimes. Thankful that I am not left with lingering Covid symptoms from my bout with it earlier in the year. It’s just a lot of pressure bearing down, that I’m easing as I can. You can’t make a diamond from coal without a whole lot of pressure, but I can’t help but wonder how many pieces of coal are ground to dust before they become diamonds. I’m choosing to trust that life won’t mislead me, that if I follow the love, I will be enough. And enough is all I need to be.

Delayed New Year Post

For a long time now, on either New Year’s Eve or day or both as two separate posts, I’ve reflected back on the year past and set myself one major internal goal to work on for the coming year. This year is delayed because I came down with Covid, symptoms starting on New Year’s Eve. I’m still recovering but feeling much more like myself as of yesterday, so I decided a week late is better than none. And with the sickness coming as it did after a hard few months, I’ve decided my personal goal is to find ease in whatever situation I find myself in. Difficult to put into practice, but one that is so necessary for my overall health and well-being.

This year was one of profound growth for me. I finally got some answers to health issues I had been having, I focused on healing and taking care of myself, and I was able to let go of some things I had been holding onto for too long. I did the autoimmune protocol diet for a few months this fall and finally had healed my psoriasis patches that have been plaguing me since the end of 2016. Career-wise and creatively, I got to work on two feature films and design two beautiful theatrical productions while navigating Covid concerns. I kept producing work for my shop slowly and had some private clients for both custom builds and bridal/formal alterations that were all a pleasure to work with. And I was writing, making music, and creating art when I had time and energy. I felt so ready to start moving fully into my own power and creative flow.

Then my father got sick with Covid and passed away, which was the hardest two weeks of my life thus far. We started dealing with the aftermath of all of that and my sister and I continue to try to chip away. Then we got hit with needing a new roof, and we are still trying to figure out how we are going to pay for that in the spring. Then the certified used car we just bought in July for me to be able to do the movie and just paid off in October started having things break on it and needed several hundred dollars in repairs. Then we found out my husband’s aunt is now very sick (different illness than Covid). Then we got a Uhaul truck we rented to move a couch we were gifted and needed to call a tow truck to haul it out of our yard. Then we found out we were exposed Christmas Eve to Covid by a relative, and a few days found out my daughter was exposed in both dance class and school the previous week, and sure enough a day later she got sick, then I got it, then my husband. My son somehow doesn’t have a single symptom nor tested positive on any test. I was sick enough to be concerned several points this past week (no shortness of breath but the flare up at the same time as the illness left me incredibly weak). It’s been an incredibly difficult several months with little time for processing much of anything, little extra energy to create, feeling guilty for being unable to be always fully present for my kids or husband. Feeling like I’ve aged two decades in two months.

I’m glad I was able to do the healing I did from really May through October, because if I hadn’t, I don’t want to think about how Covid would have hit me. As it is, I’m fairly certain I will have reduced energy and a lingering cough and fuzzy headedness off and on for weeks.

So this year, I don’t have many concrete goals. I know I want to start posting here more, creating more that I don’t necessarily try to monetize as I feel like it will aid my recovery. I actually had several really trippy visualizations one evening due to being ill that will translate to some interesting art pieces and maybe costume/fashion designs. So that’s one positive out of all this. I want to integrate some marketing skills I’ve been learning on both my shop and here. I want to have more fun. I want things to feel less difficult. Find the ease.

My dad literally worked until midnight before ending up in the hospital the next day because he felt like he needed to for his winter survival. He worked hard his entire life, had years of plenty and years of drought, fully bought into the “pull yourself up” mentality, but he never had a chance to take his ease and just relax. And that is sad to me, and mirrors so much what I felt at the beginning of this past year as I broke down some of the programming of my worth being tied to my ability to produce at the beginning of 2021. I want to continue to work hard for the growth that I can get out of it, but I will search for the ease simultaneously.

Belated happy New Year to all of you. May you stay safe and healthy, may you be kind toward yourself and others, and may you hold your loved ones close. Say the words that you are afraid to speak because they reveal too much of your heart. You may not get a chance later on.

Darkest Day of the Year

Today is the solstice, and it is finally the day I’ve felt something shift and move within me to release some of the grief I have been holding since my dad passed away six weeks ago. Life has just kept throwing things at me this past month (we need a new roof, we moved a couch with a truck rental and the truck got stuck and had to be towed out of our yard, car trouble, health issues probably caused mostly by the stress of dealing with all this). I’ve decided that this solstice is closing out this very dark chapter of my life. Tomorrow starts things getting brighter incrementally, day by day, and I will get brighter incrementally too.

I have been doing monthly float therapy sessions since getting diagnosed with fibro earlier this year, which I’ve found very healing. Today was my session, and following every hour float, I get a complimentary 10 minute session at the oxygen bar. While I was doing the oxygen, I could emotions that I’ve been suppressing welling up and moving around, and tension easing out of my shoulders. I did a 30 min yoga session later in the day and just started sobbing when I was in extended child’s pose, and I feel achy and sore all over like I’ve had a good massage or work out. And I feel more at peace than I have in a long time. I’m sure I’ll have several more tears over the next few days. But I know I don’t have to hold it tight.

I hope to do my usual New Year’s post next week, but I probably won’t be posting before then. Happy holidays (unless you’ve already celebrated yours, in which case belated happy holidays to you), and may you find your own peace in the darkness.

A Diagnosis

I’ve been having some chronic health issues that were triggered back when I worked myself sick to the point of bedrest at the end of 2016 after going back too soon following the birth of my daughter. This year I’ve finally started to get myself looked at, in the hopes of figuring out a little more what has been plaguing me.

After meeting with the rheumatologist a few days ago, I now have a diagnosis – fibromyalgia. They are doing a little more testing to see if my psoriasis could potentially have moved to psoriatic arthritis that is causing the fibro, but from what I can tell, much like the psoriasis and other autoimmune diseases, there are a whole lot of unknown variables. Which is frustrating.

I will be honest that when I started this journey into bloodwork and testing last May, I had hoped for a quick answer like a mineral deficiency or a specific level of something being off. Wanting a quick and fixable answer is very American of me, I know. So that has been frustrating, because I appear very healthy/average in all my reports. But getting the diagnosis finally is giving me the opportunity to know it’s not just in my head, that I need to not feel guilty when I have to listen to my body and rest, rearranging my schedule as needed. It has been humbling over the past several months to try to come to terms with the capitalistic programming in my head too that my self-worth is tied to my ability to be productive in some capacity and to realize how deep that programming goes. If I am truly to become my truest self and let my light shine for as long as I can, I need to root this programming out, but it’s not going to be easy.

Anyway, my hope is to avoid any meds for as long as possible, hopefully for life. Maybe every few months, I have enough pain that I need to take some Tylenol or Advil. But starting to do yoga daily (with a few weeks of only 4-5 days due to the schedule on the film I was working on) has helped immensely. Sleeping with Happy Feet socks for part of each night has helped too. I plan on trying to do one appointment per month of massage therapy or float tank, and I am experimenting with a reikiroma therapy in a couple weeks. Unfortunately massage and float therapy aren’t covered by insurance, even though it helps so much, so I am committing myself to having to bring in enough work to cover the therapy. And my husband and I are starting the AIP diet next week to see if there are any food triggers for me. I did it for a while last summer, and it helped but was also difficult to maintain. So far, it seems like I’m okay most of the time (except for soy), but once I’m in an inflamed state, then I have issues with other foods. This process will be interesting at least, as self-experimenting always is. I may eventually have to look into working with a nutritionist and a chiropractor, but those are expenses I can’t honestly afford at the moment so I am going to see what I can do on my own, really listening to my body.

I want so badly to be creating. I have so many projects in my head that slowly trickle their way out. But I can’t sacrifice my health on any altar, be it family or career or to the creative muses. So that’s something else that is going to take some mental balancing. My plan right now is to just have more fun creatively with what I put out here going forward. Life is hard, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun and find joy sometimes.

For those of you who manage long-term health issues like fibro, do you have any tips?

Shifting My Sleep Cycle

I’m attempting to shift my sleep cycle to get up before my kids do in order to do yoga/some kind of exercise and a little journaling. It is tough because I generally like to have a little time to myself in the evenings, but the truth is I’m pretty wiped out by the time we get done with bedtime routines and nightly chores anyway, and it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to create post-bedtime unless I’m really on the crunch for a deadline. So, it is going to be a rough couple of weeks, but if it works, it will be much better for my mental health and my ability to deal with day-to-day stresses. And hopefully that will energize me during the day for being more present for my kids and more focused during the few hours I do get in the day for creative work. Part of this stems from committing myself two weeks ago to do inner work that includes meditation

I finally had a physical, my first in over a decade. I’m starting to try to figure out some of my autoimmune issues. My suspicion is that I have the beginnings of psoriatic arthritis, and I’m meeting with a rheumatologist in September. I want to avoid any pharmaceutical intervention as long as possible, since I’m not yet 40, but having a diagnosis will help point me in the direction of life changes I can make to help myself.

I start a new part-time sew-from-home job tomorrow too, just ten hours a week to start, which is all I can handle while simultaneously taking care of the kids’ schooling and trying to slowly build up originalsbykatharinetracy.com. I’ve got one costume commission and two prom dress alterations I’m doing right now too, so it’s been a busy time, and more difficult than it should be because I’ve gained a little wait and lost some pep and vitality this year. Working on sharpening my mind and body so I can give more to my family, my community, and all my creative endeavors without burning out is important.

My husband also kindly picked me up a half-day relaxation package at a local spa for Mother’s day/early birthday gift that includes time in a massage chair and a 60-min float tank session, which I am definitely looking forward to. It might be a month or so until I get around to using it, but just imagining an entire hour of sensory deprivation and a couple more hours of pampering is enough to keep me going.

So big personal changes for me. Adjustments and fine-tuning to help me grow as an individual and as a member of this crazy human race. Looking forward to what may come creatively out of all of this.

On Aging Gracefully

Last Friday, I found my first gray hair atop my head. I have had a few pop up in my eyebrow line in recent years, very white, which I jokingly referenced as “finally growing my unicorn horn”, but this was the first in my hair. By Sunday, two more had appeared. My first feeling was actually excitement, because the single strand of silver was very pretty against the rest of my hair, and I showed it to my husband. Then I felt a little disappointment that I will soon no longer be mistaken for being a decade younger than I actually am, and I’ve been really thinking deeply the past couple of days about being a woman, questioning how others will view my worth once I’m “past my prime” and less an object of sexual desire, and how tired I still am along with all my other mom-friends with young children and just beyond caring.

Katharine Hepburn, my namesake, has been my ideal for aging for a long time. Her entire life was lived the way she wanted, she had a fantastic career well into the later part of her life, and she didn’t fall into the trap of trying to be something other than what she was. And she was a striking woman, right up until her death. But now that I find myself at 36 starting to transition more fully into middle age, I find myself feeling a little insecure. I think it may be due to the fact that I know I don’t have the option of hiding the grays at this point. Even if I wanted to dye my hair, due to my allergies and chemical sensitivities, my only option would be to use henna (even organic dyes use harsh chemicals that would set off my inflammation), and I’ve used henna once and liked the result, but it lasts for so short a period of time that I do not want to get into that kind of maintenance schedule.

So my hair will slowly get streaked with silvery white, and I am okay with that. My husband has assured me that he will also be okay with that, especially since he has been adding silver to his hair for several years now (but men look so sexy with that gray at their temples…). I am embracing this next stage with more wisdom and clarity than I ever could have had in my youth. I think a big help has been having women as friends in a wide range of ages, from late teens to their seventies. Feeling that chain, observing the different stages of growth… it has been so beneficial.

And as I embrace middle age-hood, I am recommitting myself to self-care. My body, my mind… both need nurturing and tending so that I can last a good while longer yet. Life is too interesting to throw it all away neglecting myself.

Love who you are, where you are, even while working to move to where you might want to be. You are worth it.

Healing Sleep Finally

My body has all of a sudden been craving a lot of sleep lately, and I have been going to bed soon after my children, sleeping in as late as they will let me, and sleeping very deeply in the time I have. And in this deep sleep, I feel like my body is repairing itself in ways that I’ve been longing for.

I couldn’t understand why I was so achy, but I think I was getting minor readjustments all over because this morning I woke up feeling amazing. My psoriasis patches that I’ve had since December 2016 are finally shrinking up. I’ve started vividly dreaming again these past couple of weeks, which has been sorely lacking. And I feel more grounded than I have for a long time. The only downsides are that I’m having a really hard time focusing through this process and feeling achy last week was not fun. And I still struggle with feeling like I’m “wasting” time by going to bed early and not having that time to create or to spend with my husband or to clean the house. But it isn’t wasted. My body is doing what it needs to do to allow me to live my best life while I’m awake.

So, listen to your body. Don’t abuse it. All pieces of yourself should be working together as a team to achieve what you want out of life. This is a lesson I continually have to put into practice for myself.

Stepping Out of the Chaos

I finished working as set costumer on my first feature film, and rather than feel my usual depleted of all energy and on the edge of sickness or post-project depression, I am mentally energized to jump back into all the good things I had started to do for myself. Which is awesome, and while I am honestly nervous about seizing control of my destiny and not having a reliable routine, life is too brief to settle.

I had another one of those profound self-reflections during the work on the film, and that is that I have always had a really easy time stepping outside of the chaos of our shared reality and becoming an observer of it. This ability used to make me feel really uncomfortable on occasion, as I would feel like an outsider for not being a part of the group (not participating in the “crazy”), and I would get really upset that I wasn’t able to fix the pain people were inflicting on themselves or others. But in the long run, this is a gift, and I have been able to utilize it so much more, which really does give me more opportunities to live a healthier life myself and to encourage others to find their own path when they feel ready themselves.

I shared my painting of “The Inner Maelstrom” above to show how chaos feels to me.

So, I wanted to offer some tips to you for practicing lifting yourself out of the stream. Even just trying to do this for 30 seconds in a stressful situation can help you immensely.

• Turn off the guilt. Is whatever chaos going on your fault? Probably not. If it is, then learn from your mistake and stop creating chaos. If it isn’t, then don’t create more problems by internalizing it.
• Remember not to take things personally. This goes with the above. People bubble over with anger and stress. Acknowledge any truth you can see to what they are saying, but don’t engage unless it’s to defend yourself or another in an abusive situation.
• Take a few deep breathes, focus on the quiet spaces between your heartbeats, and find stillness.
• Really think about the situation. Observe what is going on. Is there anything helpful you can offer to what is going on? If so, do it, but most of the time, people are creating the chaos for reasons that are beyond your control (lack of communication, lack of planning, sheer exhaustion). I am a firm believer in helping as much as possible, but you also have to protect your integrity and safety as well.

Anyway, normal organic chaos can be beautiful. I’m really talking about the disorganized extra chaos people bring to themselves and others. We don’t need to engage in that. Again, life is way too short for that nonsense in our lives.

Drained

So, I almost worked/exhausted myself sick again. My inflammation has gotten really bad, causing joint pain that I haven’t felt in a long time. My daughter has been teething her molars still and is going through a huge cognitive growth (her vocabulary has doubled in like a week and she’s started teaching herself her letters!), and waking up every 1 to 2 hours for over a week now, and I’ve been pushing myself to work past midnight every night for over a week too. Last night, my body said “nope” and I went to bed right after my daughter, which was helpful, and I was able to rearrange the delivery date of one of my projects to make my week better, so I should make it to bed at more reasonable hours for the rest of the week (except for Friday – I’m working til 9:30PM then going to have to finish packing for our trip to my interview, so I’m sure I’ll be up late).

I feel silly for letting myself get in this situation, and I can blame some outside factors for holding me up on my original schedule, but I never want to work myself into being bedridden again. So that’s something for me to bear in mind if I continue trying to freelance while still having such a young child and working a full-time job. I can’t do it all. I have to practice self-care, especially when I’m going on so little sleep. Otherwise I can’t be present for my family or present for the bigger issues facing us a society.

The Importance of Listening to Your Body

So… I came down with a really bad bug over the weekend, almost exactly one year from the time I started getting sick and then pushed myself to keep overworking for a couple of weeks and then literally collapsed. I’m on the mend now, feeling much better today after spending most of yesterday sleeping, but I was silly and started trying to push through Saturday evening and Sunday morning, including taking it upon myself to deep clean my tub so I could take a bath later in the day, and my body just kind of said “nope” Sunday night and I was knocked off my feet for 36 hours. Feeling much better today, with just some lingering sinus fuzzyheadedness and drainage, so thank goodness.

What that means, though, is that last week’s loss of energy and creeping in of self-doubt was mostly due to the bug coming on. I’ve noticed this pattern for a long time now… any time I am in the early stages of getting sick, I get super down about life and really start laying into myself badly. Going forward, I need to pay attention to that and start taking care of myself immediately – get more sleep, eat “clean” (no inflammatory foods), limit caffeine, do some nurturing. Then maybe I won’t need to get knocked down entirely in order to heal.

Our bodies talk to us, and I think, for the most part, we ignore what they say because we want to continue doing what we want to do, regardless of whether it’s good for us. But if all the parts that make us up work together, we’re going to be at our best, which is the happiest way to live life. So duly noted, body, and I will be paying attention to you more closely. I do not ever want a repeat of last year.